Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg

“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”

[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick

The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.

My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.

My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!

Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:

“spicy wet cheese”

grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today

me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes

The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.

[first day as geologist]

me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part

No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.

People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers

Know why I pulled you over?

“No sir”

1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha

7-11 CLERK: what are you doing

ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars

5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…

I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.

I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.

Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.

“Have you seen my thumb ring?”

~ my proctologist

How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?

If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..

I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.

Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development

[Opportunity knocks]

Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.

best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy

Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked

My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”

I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake

when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol

Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.

Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..

My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.

When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?