A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
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[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
me after i passed that state trooper
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”