Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me in tagged photos

I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.

My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.

I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”

All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.

[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]

Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.

Inside the heads of four JCrew models.

Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.

How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?

A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.

me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize

me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900

Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.

Me : Really?

Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?

Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.

Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.

Voldemort: not cool

Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.

We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them

Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?

Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?

Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL

[text from wife]
I want a divorce

Me: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!!

[…typing]
Haha, April fools

Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.

Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?

Me: * climbs tree

reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it

Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.

I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince

Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.

My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready

If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.

My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.

Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.