A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
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It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Revenge served cold
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements