Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?

Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*

Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk

Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.

Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.

Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people

If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.

Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.

Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!

Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?

Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.

Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?

Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.

My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.

[1 MINUTE LATER]

My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…

Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.

My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.

eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.

I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.

A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.

life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not

I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.

If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day

Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?

Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?

Touché kid

Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions

[scrolling hinge while high] am I really to determine the future love of my life by whether or not they put pineapple on pizza

[scrolling hinge while drunk] I see you also like hanging out. do u wanna get matching tattoos

My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.

a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid

How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!

I aspire to be birds

Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.

Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?

Me: Of course ba…wait, what?

*Her jaw unhinges*