Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?

A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.

Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.

7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?

Me: Math

I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000

Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*

Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*

Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*

Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.

Also kids: ALREADY?!?

Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.

The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.

ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit

*in court

😔: your honor, this is fat shaming, everyone knows you have to be naked to get your most accurate weight!

😡: You were using the scale at the grocery store!

Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.

why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene

Every Law & Order episode should end with:

“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”

Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.

FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.

The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.

What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?

My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.

me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete

dracula: vie

me: for a crossword puzzle

Good for him.

[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now

*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*

You looked a little sickly.

just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook

Harry: Want to see a magic trick?

Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.

Harry: Got your nose!

Voldemort: You know I hate that game.

Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.

I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.

[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour

My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes

Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer

[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all