A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
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You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
“Be careful. That ice is slippery” – Everyone after you slip on ice.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
honk shuah. sleep on that thang
Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Santa Claus isn’t real. Ain’t no man checking a list twice
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Interviewer: “so what would you bring to our firm that others may not offer?”
Me: *seductively slides a kazoo across the desk
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
