Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go

if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it

walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway

~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE

I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.

“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team

Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍

Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.

Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.

When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.

A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.

Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.

I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…

lacktoes intolerant

*opens another beer*

I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.

*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.

having a job is cool but everydayyy???

For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.

One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.

Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.

If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?

“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”

[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage

Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair

Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT

SQUARREL

The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.

I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”

Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”

Me: “Wait, what do they say?”

Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.

Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.

Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.