[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
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I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in