Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you

[movie night]

5: what should we watch?

Me: anything you want

5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad

Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.

My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.

The cats activated the rainbow portal again

How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping

I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.

I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.

I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.

Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.

Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls

Friend: how many?

Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny

This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.

Boom! Zing! This is free content!

As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?

Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba

I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks

my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it

I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.

ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted

ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up

Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07

I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.

[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars

There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode

Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same

Me: *crying*

Tween: *crying*

Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.

Me: We are.

My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.

Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.

hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫

Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.

“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”

Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?

Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?