A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
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WWE is French for “yes”
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
They did not think through this water fountain
guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too