Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boss: you’re fired

me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that

Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL

My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.

Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*

[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears*

*quarter falls out*

ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?

When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.

Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.

Going for a poo could spell trouble!

The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.

You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:

“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”

Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.

Dating Tips.

C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.

If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.

Yeah, I use She pronouns.

But not like a girl, like a boat.

(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.

[from under your bed]

Babe, are you mad at me?

Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.

Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?

Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.

ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter

FRIEND: This is a shoe

ME: Omg I can’t believe it

Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.

[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese

It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.

My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.

Holy crap this is wonderful

Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.

I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.

I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.

When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.

Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox