Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone “I learned a lesson ”

Me: “Imma do it again!”

One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment

Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”

Cellmate : “Them what happened “??

You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.

*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen

*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot

*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all

The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair

My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”

😲 WTF? 😆

Cw: Ignorance is bliss

Me: Explains why you’re so happy

HR: It’s good to see you again

So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…

Homeschooling day 3

Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…

i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.

girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.

Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-

Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!

Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.

DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*

WIFE: the dog got the mail again

ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?

WIFE: because she knows you hate bills

ME: …

DOG: *still wagging*

ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!

Cop: License and registration

Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec

My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?

ME: shape shifting

INTERVIEWER: is that so?

INTERVIEWER: yes

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.

I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.

*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?

I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.

Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]

My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.

Very weird.

Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”

If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin

Let that sink in

Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?

Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy

Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want

Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die

I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”

I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.