Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“

My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE

So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.

The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.

The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.

I’m so glad the internet is like this now.

(1st day in heaven)

Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators

All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.

[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.

When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one

My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.

shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés

My summer body has been pending for about ten years

Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.

I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.

The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.

DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time

Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.

How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night

The kindergarten people are so short

-my kid, after one day of being a first grader

Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?

Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party

Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.

Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.

Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.

[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando

Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No

Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?

If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will

imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies

9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.

The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.