A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
need him
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties
Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
