A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave
When I go out on a Friday night, I choose my outfit based on what would look best in my mugshot
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.
This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Customize Your Wedding.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
