Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.

I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.

Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.

[At Vision Center]

Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?

Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.

Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.

Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation

Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back

Librarian: can I check you out?

Me: sure [spins around]

Librarian: I meant your book

Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense

Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”

I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.

Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.

Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.

Luke: But why?

Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.

It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!

[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that

I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.

Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.

Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!

My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.

The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”

I’ve had the same dentist for 40 years, so it pisses me right off when he asks if I want a sticker. Of course I want a sticker, I always want my sticker. It’s bloody scary going to the dentists and I deserve my sticker compensation. Once I got two and I was so fucking happy.

*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”

As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.

Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..

Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.

[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]

Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.

Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.

No one suspects the “happy couple.”

[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS

roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.

I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!

If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.

I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.

Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.