A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.
We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.
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When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in