Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can only push me so far before I breakdance.

My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.

Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.

I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.

JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or

If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies

I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine

(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?

My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil

Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”

I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.

Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.

Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey

Him: that’s neat

Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool

Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.

2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.

15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?

Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*

If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.

JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”

overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”

I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.

“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”

-me, drunk, walking into a wall

Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:

Any room my wife is not in – 1%

Any room my wife is in – 92%

Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?

Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”

Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”

when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.

Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s

Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp

I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.

me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.

subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.

I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.

Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!

My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”

You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*