Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes

HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl

I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.

“Keep it in your pants!”

-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.

Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.

Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost

Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.

My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”

wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.

step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks

Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”

EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented

“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”

Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.

After how many years should you clean your microwave?

“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”

I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.

Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –

except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!

Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.

I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”

[Back To the Future, 2018]

Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??

Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*

I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.

At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.

It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.

When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”

“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”

– my foot touching anything in the ocean.

*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”

Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar

Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?

J.W: Why yes..

[slams the door]

Angel: how will humans start out?

God: small and helpless

Angel: how will they end up?

God: big and helpless

Angel: in between?

God: totally clueless

Angel: what is your deal man?