Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.

If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]

I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.

me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything

t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too

Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss

in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…

Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this

Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???

I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.

Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.

Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?

Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..

There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.

My reactions

1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.

*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*

i lost 4 lbs, nice

*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*

the punishment does not fit the crime

ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED

NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.

Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.

When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.

Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor

Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?

Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course

my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.

[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]

Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!

Mugger: OMG sing the rest

hey boy are you the sun because you were a big part of my life this summer but now i feel like i never see you

Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road

*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*

*forgets what they’re called*

Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.

You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.

Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.

Meow