Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?

Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.

[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]

Waiter: “what can I get u?”

“do u have any eucalyptus?”

*restaurant goes quiet*

My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.

[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now

Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.

I went to law school for this.

Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.

If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.

I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning

My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.

I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.

[Surgery]

Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”

Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”

Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”

*Surgeon starts sawing off leg

*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy

No wine. No peace.

Know wine. Know peace.

*seductively corrects your posture*

I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair

Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night

Miss Scarlet: No murdering!

Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!

Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao

*long pause*

Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering

Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick

[First Date]

I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*

So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe

Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.

Toothpaste: Hi

Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.

6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.

The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.

“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.

Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.

Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.

Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:

– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle

She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.

Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters

me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles

1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?

Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.

I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”