Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[God creating penguins]

I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.

farmer: hay

horse: I have a boyfriend

Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground

Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency

We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂

When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s

I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.

If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.

When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?

[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.

My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…

This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.

Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?

After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.

me: [throws bouquet]

florist: are you gonna buy something

[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage

My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.

[hospital]

Me: how is he?

Her: he’s in the burn ward

Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks

Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.

me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky

who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area

me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]

mortician: sir

Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*

McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.

*waits to answer so he misses me*

(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough

My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.

I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?

I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.

Me: digging up to the surface for a bit

Worm Wife: why

Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you

Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…

Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂

Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳

Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.

Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over