A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
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I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly