A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
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Netflix: We have Less
CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze