Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.

[Record Shop]

Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?

Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.

This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.

Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover

My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.

*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*

My Wife… The Bargain Hunter

People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly

How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?

Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice

Him: We have made it completely idiot proof

Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that

[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing

“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”

6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?

Me: You broke my juicer.

6: When I juiced that play dough?

M: yep

Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad

The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story

At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.

Can’t believe anyone would attack this place

My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.

She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”

I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.

don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.

Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”

Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.

My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man

Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.

ME: How are you?

“I can’t complain”

ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough

boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA

[later]

cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary

Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.

Get in loser we’re going crying

Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?

Whiskey, tango, french fry…?

Yeah, I think that’s right.

Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.