A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
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Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
23. the denim jacket
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.