A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
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The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”