A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
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Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Basically.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.