Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*

man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?

Driver: I hit a lawyer

Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?

Driver: I had to chase him through the park first

Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.

[looking at photo album]

Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy

Son: Why is your hair spiky…

Daughter: …and long in the back?

[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you

I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…

Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?

Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally

I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.

I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.

I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.

Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting

Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.

Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.

“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.

[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]

Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!

the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts

Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.

I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.

You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”

if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life

On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.

“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”

My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.

Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”

Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?

*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby

oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving

*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba

“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.

I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“