Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!

#hooters

Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.

all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.

true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”

Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.

I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.

Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.

if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats

My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.

He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…

*puts on sunglasses*

In the dust.

7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”

Me: “Sleep.”

7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”

Exactly.

Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.

“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.

POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case

ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn

CHIEF: …

ME: looks cool doesn’t-

CHIEF: totally looks cool

My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.

Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?

Me: yes

Therapist: then maybe-

Me: *looking up from phone* wait no

What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.

Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.

Temple Run is a really motivating game.

[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees

When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-

She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.

I know this now.

10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye

My beach vacation Google searches

[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?

My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.

I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment

A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.

My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.

Looking at you, Jesus.

Remember when double entry was an accounting term?

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!