Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child

Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?

Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad

Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid

I needed a laugh this morning.

Overindulged this afternoon.

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.

Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?

When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”

I’m just playing devils avocado here

Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry

Harry: i’m a what

Hagrid: a blizzard

Harry: a what

Hagrid: a scissors

Harry: what

Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward

Therapist: What’s the problem?

Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things

Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan

Women are like campfires.

Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.

And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.

Mostly.

WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”

The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.

Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person

Friend: really?

Me: well apparently not

If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.

6: what’s 3+1?

Me: 4

6: noooo it’s 3

Me: 3+1 is 4

6: nooooo it’s 3

Me:

6: the 1 is silent

GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo

Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.

I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!

(Sigh)

I just don’t know what to keep it in….

I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.

Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks

Friend: Please don’t, please

Me: It’s about time

Ex-Friend: I’ve had it

Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades

Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this

If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.

I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.

I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed

Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo

If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??

if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?