@007Pepe_Rex

A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.

Guess he was lucky

*puts on sunglasses*

It was a soft drink

#FFFC

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.

@TheTweetOfGod

“Why do bad things happen to good people?” To even out the good things that happen to bad people.

@NicCageMatch

I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.

@Jarhead44

FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.

I’ll keep you all posted.

@tweetsvisual

Arugala is my favorite vegetable that sounds like it’s drowning.

@TrueTorontoGirl

[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.

@ObscureGent

[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]

You OK?

@ArielSElias

AGENT: You’ll play a character who weighs exactly what you weigh now.

CHRISTIAN BALE: Not interested.

@NotThatNixon

Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.