A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
You Might Also Like
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Bed should get ready for ME
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.