Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here

Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work

One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year

GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.

ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.

That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.

I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.

I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”

After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.

Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.

Me: Neither are you.

Zen master: Oh bugger.

-phone call-

Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye

if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm

I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it

Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?

General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.

“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend

I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.

My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.

There are 2 types of buyers in me:

1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago

2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??

Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.

A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no

“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”

I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?

ME: come here honey

HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy

ME: do you need anything from Amazon?

HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list

[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.

I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.

[when i was a kid]

DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you

[today]

MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot

ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.

[marital relations]

My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

[restaurant]

DATE: [clears throat]

ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?

Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law

ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii