A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
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Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
me doing my best
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Not my job 😂
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa