Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.

Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.

Chicken Widow: BUT WHY

Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.

Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.

Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.

Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.

I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*

No.

How about now? *handstand*

I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.

My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.

I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up

Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.

Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

[1st day in Senate]

Me: I’m against genetic engineering.

Scientist: We’ve developed kids with volume knobs.

Me: How much funding do you need.

cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

me: I’m not psychic, Craig

cop: my name is Greg

me: I work at Starbucks

Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order

A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation

Sloth 911: What’s your emergency

[1 week later]

Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT

[1 week later]

Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month

Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots

It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”

Me: Can we talk?

Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.

Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.

My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.

Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious

7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?

ME: he’s a NASA scientist

I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.

i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.

Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”

The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.

interviewer: questions about the job?

me: how can I get suspended with pay

Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead