A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
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Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
ok like just. call me at this point
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.