Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cry laughing at this shit

My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.

Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

30 minutes was not the right answer.

Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?

Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes

Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?

Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?

Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.

[when i was a kid]

DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you

[today]

MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot

ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now

nobody:

90’s boybands:

(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)

*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party*

*Gets arrested for indecent exposure*

I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.

wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen

When you kidnap a writer.

“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying

Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?

15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.

I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.

Then I saw her arguing with him about money.

Now I see Santa drinking by himself.

Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?

Did you guys know that protons have mass?

I didn’t even know they were Catholic…

[Dinner Party]

ME: I’d like to raise a glass…

{years later…}

ME: Son, you’re adopted

GLASS: WHAT?!!

Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.

Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*

The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”

I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.

I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.

A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.

Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.