Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

[teaching teen to drive]

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.

Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?

Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*

ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task

DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!

ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun

ANGEL: That doesn’t–

DEVIL: wtf, dude, no

ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*

[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh

Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.

Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket

Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.

Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?

One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.

You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.

Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears

You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?

Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.

Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.

*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.

how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower

coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone

me: whoa magic

God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark

Noah: what’s wrong?

God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes

Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy

[cocktail party]

BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?

ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.

I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.

I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.

WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?

8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.

*deep inhale*

YOU TELLIN ME A GAR LICKED THIS BREAD!?!?!?!???!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!

DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU

I have Facebook like reflexes.

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

*throws a book and hits you right in the face*

I beg you to euthanise me

I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.

“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”