A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
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“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”