Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.

Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏

Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force

Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.

My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.

Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics

Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!

why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly

Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…

3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back

– my cat

Them: what book would you take to a deserted island?
Me: idk, “the idiots guide to survival”

Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”

I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.

Never go to sleep after making me angry

Me: wanna go cow tipping?

Other person: that sounds fun

*LATER*

Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy

Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff

6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.

The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.

*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*

Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.

Are all the non essential oils out of work now?

Me: so when will I actually receive the shark

Loan Shark: what

bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money

When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.

The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.

*getting ready for bed*

Me: Oh did you lock the front door?

Burglar: I’ll go check it

Me: Thanks hon

Wife:

I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?

My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”

ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?

BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life

ME: …so that’s a no

I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.

*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*

5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?

*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*

Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go

5yo: I’m full from leaves