A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
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I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Okay, I’m still confused…
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.