A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
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Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
wife: what are you thinking about
guy who invented coffee: what if we pick the fruit off this plant, remove the seeds, roast them on a stove, let them cool off, grind them up into a near powder, pour boiling hot water over them, and then drink it
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water
canadian assassins are called killergrams
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other