@kimlockhartga

A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”

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@CherBear162

Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape

@QwertyJones3

[College admissions office]

“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”

ME: that’s wack

@NurseMurderer

taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.

@Tmoney68

I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.

@Fickle_Filly

I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.

@fro_vo

UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes

@NewDadNotes

[parking garage]

FBI: got the file?

Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]

FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing

@aissalanis

Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.

@julcasagrande

*buys a new treat for my dog*

*dog refuses to eat*

Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one

@Jake_Vig

“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”

“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”