Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
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[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”