A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
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Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker