@RickAaron

A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.

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@Browtweaten

Doctor: You have emphysema

Batman: How?

Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations

Batman:

Doctor:

Batman: *throws smoke bomb*

@ddsmidt

OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.

…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.

@LuckoftheDraw86

Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.

HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.

… Nailed it!

@AristotlesNZ

3yo just yelled “face-five!” & slapped his brother in the face. I’m totally using that at work tomorrow.

@sunexplode

Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.

@ShortSleeveSuit

HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady

ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*

@possibilyss

In hindsight, i shouldn’t have said ‘surprise me’ when the judge was about to sentence me

@hipkingo

*on a date pointing to a pothole*

I made that with my fist. I hate roads

@bornmiserable

ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS

@roxiqt

ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie

THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?

ME: Oh yeah