Doctor: You have emphysema
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
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OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
3yo just yelled “face-five!” & slapped his brother in the face. I’m totally using that at work tomorrow.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
In hindsight, i shouldn’t have said ‘surprise me’ when the judge was about to sentence me
*on a date pointing to a pothole*
I made that with my fist. I hate roads
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah