A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
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Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?