A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.

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Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.

He cooked 2 sausages.


Dating is good practice for parenting because you learn not to care when someone is crying in a restaurant.


Dear Religion,

Pics or it didn’t happen.

Love, Science


This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.


Astrology person: what’s your siiiiggnnnnnn

Me: I think I’m a stegosaurus


me at a restaurant

waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you


HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*