A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
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Heckling the flight attendant during the oxygen mask demo
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*