Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.

“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.

Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.

so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.

am i feeling hopeful about the future?

I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today

Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.

People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.

The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.

Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.

I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend

“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.

ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”

and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED

[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*

You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?

celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop

*whistling*

Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?

Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.

Husband: But It’s real blood.

Me: *continues whistling*

Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.

Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.

My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.

nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time

I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.

Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.

*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*

Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.

Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.

If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.

Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes

I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.

H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!