A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
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And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
time for some seasonal decor
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
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