Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!

Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel

Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad

Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!

Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee

Unscramble: pnise

If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.

I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?

Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong

Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.

Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?

5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?

Me: Ham? Yes

You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?

mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes

kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*

My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.

I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”

There’s never enough good news

If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.

My type is 12 pt Helvetica.

there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u

Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”

When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…

I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda

Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.

Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream

Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.

My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.

I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.

Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.

If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away

Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.

I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails

[Farmer’s market]

Me: One of your finest farmers plz

Farmer: That’s not how this works

Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own