A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

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I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t


Every time Nicki Minaj tells someone their voice isn’t good enough on Idols, someone is crushed to death by the weight of the irony.


WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense


when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..


“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”


Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…

Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go


Oh my god you don’t need makeup!

~ people who have obviously never seen me without makeup


9yo: (mouths off to me)


Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.

Me: Patience

(1 hour later)

9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?

Me: What charger?

Hubs: Nice one.


[my alma mater, the school that took fifty thousand dollars from me, scores a point in the basketball tournament]