A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
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Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.