@Ivsy01

A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

You Might Also Like

@ZennethNevers

I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t

@Storminika

Every time Nicki Minaj tells someone their voice isn’t good enough on Idols, someone is crushed to death by the weight of the irony.

@ArfMeasures

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense

@OfficeofSteve

when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..

@UncleDuke1969

“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”

@smithsara79

Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…

Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go

@VisionBored1

Oh my god you don’t need makeup!

~ people who have obviously never seen me without makeup

@Kids_kubed

9yo: (mouths off to me)

Me:

Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.

Me: Patience

(1 hour later)

9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?

Me: What charger?

Hubs: Nice one.

@InternetHippo

[my alma mater, the school that took fifty thousand dollars from me, scores a point in the basketball tournament]
me: WOOOOOOO