A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

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Practicing parenthood on an egg only teaches kids that if you cook your baby it’s delicious.


[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,


A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.


I don’t know who let me be an adult. My daughter and I had a slime stretching contest that resulted in slime getting everywhere including her hair and pants


There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.


We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us


My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills


Him: Can you forgive me?

*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*

Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.