A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
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9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.