A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
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Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!