@Ivsy01

A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

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@garrettbarry70

I have a CW who can’t input data into a spreadsheet without whispering each number so don’t tell me about your day.

@Bob_Janke

My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.

@_4kidscrazy

Killed a spider for my wife last night and got laid.
Now every.spider.must.die.

@gIitering

*gets left on read*

my brain:

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

me: “it was fun while it lasted”

@nickbilton

My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.

@RdrJay47

[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]

Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?

@novicefather

I was gonna put on my cowboy hat and sit on my patio shirtless to showcase my abs when I realized I don’t own a cowboy hat, a patio, or abs.

@abbycohenwl

I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation