Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace

I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.

Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”

I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar

Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*

Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.

[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”

me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles

1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?

ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*

Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog.

Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet

Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…

you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type

If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards

the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him

My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.

Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.

My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.

“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now

shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo

Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.

Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.

Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?

Me: What?

Brain: Eat brownies about it.

Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.

I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.

By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.

[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles

Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.

Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?

If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.