Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.

Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.

Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.

Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.

God: you’re man’s best friend

Dog: OMG! Love it!

God: yup

Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!

God: well..

Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!

God: you live in a kennel in the yard

Dog: what

Stephen King ruined corn children for me

While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.

baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou

Chicken bread

Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.

Me: Isn’t it fun?

I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used

Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?

Good times.

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:

1. You have something you want to do.

2. You write code to do it.

3. The code doesn’t work.

4. You fix the mistakes.

5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.

6. You fix the idea.

7. Goto 2.

Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.

[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.

I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.

Bite me.

[gf comes home after spray tanning]

Hey, orange you looking good!

“Thanks”

Anytime, pumpkin!

“You’re sweet”

You’re one in vermillion!

I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe

Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included

Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.

Be the change you want to see in the world!

Me: *goes back to bed

When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.

I discovered last night that I’m quite adept at finely slicing carrots and my fingers.

Digital security in Ancient Troy

Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.

Him: what are you thinking about?

Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?

Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?

My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.