Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *buys item from online retailer*

Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW

Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”

big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.

Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs

What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.

What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.

7-year-old: What’s for dessert?

Me: Eat your dinner first.

7: I need a goal.

My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb

What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?

Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.

[10:06pm]

13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.

Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.

13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.

The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.

If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.

I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.

There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:

Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.

See..?

.

Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over

Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.

I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”

formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing

[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator

local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “

yes yes a thousand times yes!

mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro

I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”

If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.

Me: A lady never reveals her age.

Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!

Me: FINE! *sigh* 37

Dr: thank you

Me: ish

God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.

*my husband

Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.

Fun Fact:

If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.

Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.