Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*

i lost 4 lbs, nice

*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*

the punishment does not fit the crime

Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive

Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals

Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.

Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.

Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?

It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge

Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated

Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?

That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th

[bank heist]

rob: what’s the plan

me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank

rob: it’s “rob”

me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank

“Remember Robert from work?”

Yeah..he was a douche.

“He died.”

WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!

I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze

I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.

When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”

My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.

I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.

Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there

My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.

dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!

shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!

I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf

Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged

If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.

You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor

Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.

“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”

-first rule of Sprite Club

wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time

“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”

My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.