A guy in the parking lot saw me trip over my own feet so I yelled to him “I just quantum leaped into this body!”
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Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
“Hey… you’ll be fine… you got this, LOL”
*if vodka could talk
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
gasoline
noun: mouthwash for dragons
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away