A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
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*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
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Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
i dont have time for this
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murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy