A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
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my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
unbelievably distressed by this ad
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”