A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
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everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.
I’ll be back in 5 min.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.