A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
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Uh oh…
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I love being outside, just not when it’s too cold or too hot or too wet or too windy or if there are bugs
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!