A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
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-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again