[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
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“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.
I bet it would have sold millions.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.