Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer

My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.

Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going

Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.

Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.

“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened

Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.

Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.

Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.

I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.

I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.

People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old

[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please

Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two

The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.

Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday

Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night

My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.

“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus

Me: How’d you injure your back?

Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”

I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.

Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]

lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.

me: what was the hearing for?

lawyer: WHAT?

me: the hearing.

lawyer: WHAT?

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them

Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.

The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.

My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.