A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
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Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
the rocks need my help
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.