A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
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Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Are you a hero about to fight some baddies? Here are some battle cry ideas to strike fear into your enemies’ hearts:
* Hot buttery death!
* HR will hear about this!
* I’m as strong as fifty men and as crazy as a thousand raccoons!
* Brenda!
* Don’t hit me! I’m telling Mom!
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.