A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
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Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all