Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.

Can’t

I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am

[Whoville]

Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks

Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess

Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit

Me: Seems harsh

Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him

Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying

My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”

WWE is French for “yes”

Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch

Pastor: He is risen!

Me: Who?

Pastor: Jesus

Me: Jesus who?

Pastor: Jesus Christ

Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.

I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.

*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona

Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.

I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.

You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers

My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.

I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!

Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.

Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.

As the Lord intended

Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.

[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”

9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”

And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information

Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”

Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”

H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”

And as it is written, hot girl summer fades to crow girl autumn. We are snatching fries out of midair, we are hoarding shiny objects in a hollowed out stump, we are standing ominously over a gravesite.

[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist

Start of the article: but what if only three people read it

End of the article: at least only three people will read it

Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.

Why I still can’t play Chess:

Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”

Me: “Horse.”

OB: “…the Knight.”

Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”

OB: “I need you to go away now.”

I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.

Cop: Why did you burn that building down?

Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.

Cop: You’re free to go.

You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking

Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people