Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha

You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”

I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.

She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.

My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.

I have to go pack now. The movers are here.

Me: the floor is lava

Pompeii: everything is lava

[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”

Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*

[The inventor of biscotti]

This coffee would be so much better with a crouton

My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.

Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.

Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit

Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one

upon my death:

1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case

I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords

[company meeting]

Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.

Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]

I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.

There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.

You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??

Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?

Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]

Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.

Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer

I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it

Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.

not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?

I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it

To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches

I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.

you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart

mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]

does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x