a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
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ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
lol
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*