My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
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Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much