A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
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I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!